Self-reflection

My last blog post was published on the 12th of this month. Crazy how so much can change within the space of 16 days. 

We are now on day 5 of the UK 'lockdown'. We can still leave the house for essentials and for one form of exercise a day so lockdown feels like a strange term to use. My brain likes to turn most things into a scene from a film or a play so the lockdown scene in my head is quite different to how it feels. 

For me, I've been wanting 'time' for so long that it feels like the Universe is playing an odd little joke on me by giving me heaps of it. 

The restaurant I work at has closed, there are no auditions or acting work for the forseeable and so I've been given the time I've craved for so long. This wasn't how I expected it to be. 

I hate that for the first time in my life I've visited my Nanna and not been able to give her a hug, she is love in human form and she has always taught me the importance of spreading kindness. Not being able to give back what she always provides for others feels like something has been torn away from me. 

My love language is physical touch and I think back to a couple of years ago when I lived alone in a flat with my cat and I wonder how on earth I would have coped had this have happened then. 

I'm blessed to be living with my boyfriend and our friend, we are all trying to navigate our way through this new normal but it's been interesting to see our various ways of coping. Frazer paces the garden with his laptop in hand whilst working from home, Billy plugs himself into his Xbox to find some escapism and I try to find some kind of routine. I do some form of movement every day whether that's a home workout, yoga or running, I read lots, I've been catching up on all the films I've never seen- I watched Shawshank for the first time last night. Don't you dare judge me. We are all trying to figure out what we need which changes from day to day. 

Throughout this time I've learnt so much. I feel more connected to my family than ever before, I call at least one of them a day and it seems strange that this has never been a habit. I guess we all got lost somewhere. By us I mean us all, us as humans, we seem to have forgotten what matters above all else. Love, connection, compassion, kindness. I'm not going to say the terrible ways in which people have revealed themselves over the previous weeks because we've all heard enough. What I will talk about is the kindness I've seen, my Nanna baked three dozen cakes for the local police station to combat the awful things people had been doing to them. We could all learn something from this. 

I've thought a lot about my life over the last few days, who hasn't? If you've not found yourself staring at the ceiling, the wall or your leg at least once this week then I envy your self-discipline. 

One thing I've thought about the last few days is how I value myself. Whilst I've been busy over the last few forevers I don't recall a period of time I was kind to myself. For as long as I can remember I've had a negative voice in my head that likes to throw out demands. It demands that I use up all of my time and keep running on the treadmill of life, that I don't dare step off and because of this I feel like I've missed so much of this stillness. 

One of my favourite sayings is "we aren't human doings we are human beings, so be."

In thinking about how I value myself it brings me to thinking about how other people have valued me. I really resent the self-help books that tell you that you attract the bad things that happen to you but after consideration it makes sense to an extent. I thought about an ex boyfriend I had, we weren't together for very long but he decided after some time that he wasn't that into it so he started to ignore me. He would ignore me for hours on end, would read my messages and not respond but would continue to post on social media, go out with his friends etc. 

I'm not mad at my past self for putting up with this behaviour because I didn't have the tools back then, back then I just wanted what most humans want- and need at a very basic level, love. I wanted to love and be loved and so I did everything I could to receive this love. In doing this I did the opposite, I didn't give myself the love I wanted or deserved. His behaviour was incredibly hurtful and it caused me a lot of pain but I used to believe that love had to be hard and you had to 'fight for it', I did this in a lot of relationships with friends and partners. I've even done this with bosses, tried to fight for their validation of me, their acceptance of me.

When you don't value yourself you teach others that they don't have to value you either. When I was younger I would so desperately want boys to see me as cool that I would pretend that I didn't care if they said they didn't like me in that way I was happy to 'just chill as friends'. 

What I'm trying to say is it feels good to have grown from this, to know that it's entirely possible to say no and to know that you deserve better and better will come.

For far too long I allowed others to say and do really cruel things to me because I'd be clinging onto those moments of validation they'd given me. I gave away so much of my time with people who just weren't worth it. Now that I have realised how precious time is I know that I don't want to waste it on anyone that isn't deserving of it. I hope you don't either.