One of those days

Illustration by Giacomo Bagnara

I'm a creative, that's who I am. I've always been happiest when acting, writing, reading, creating. I've heard people say you're not defined by your job title and well, I've been a waitress more than I've been paid for acting and writing so you would be right, I don't feel my core self doing that job, it just gives me money and the freedom to go to auditions whilst paying rent, but above all I do feel that at my core I'm a creative. The problem that most of us creatives experience is the uncertainty within our careers, especially those of us that don't have a wealthy background to keep us afloat. Will we be able to afford to lose that shift to make that audition? Will we ever be able to rely solely on our creative income? Will we ever be deemed 'successful'? 

There's also another issue that comes with being a creative and that's the need for validation which also comes hand in hand with it's best mate, imposter syndrome. Do I belong in these spaces? Have I done enough? Am I worthy? Do they even care who I am? 

None of us are truly in it for the fame because if we were, well, that's already a lost battle. Although fame would almost certainly get us the opportunities we so desperately crave. 

This pandemic has hit creatives really hard, shows being cancelled, the theatre industry collapsing, losing money, not getting funding that's significantly required right now. Some parts of the industry; theatres, artists, some won't survive this at all and that's a huge loss. The Arts is a huge part of our culture, the art that people interact with is a big component in how they express themselves, of who they are. The Arts are crucial for everyone and the lockdown has only made that more apparent. People have turned to TV, watching Theatre online, music, films, books, online tours of museums, all of which are there because of creatives. If things weren't uncertain enough before, they've certainly hit their peak now. 

Being a creative often feels like you're chasing something that you can never quite catch up with, the thrill and excitement is often short-lived whilst you've got work and your creative energy is in full flow but then it's followed by periods of frustration, of feeling unworthy, invisible.

Today is one of those days for me because seriously what the fuck is going to happen after this? 

There are very few answers available to us. Earlier I signed up to something that's a really great opportunity that I'm grateful to have during this time but I didn't want to do it. I guilt tripped myself because I could hear other voices in my head. "If you don't sign up to this, if you don't take EVERY opportunity, you'll never work again because you don't deserve it" 

Sometimes I have to stay off Twitter because the way some people in the industry talk about others causes me a lot of distress, I'm too vulnerable and I'll take on everything they say. 

According to some it's okay to take a break, according to others you need to give yourself a kick up the arse and crack on, take every single opportunity that comes your way and if you're not running yourself into the ground, you don't want this enough. Which voice do I listen to? 

I didn't want to do the thing I signed up to earlier because I don't feel in the headspace for it, sometimes I'll post my monologues or anything else I've done creatively and I'll instantly regret it. Why aren't people liking it? Why aren't they commenting? Does this mean I'm terrible? That girl got 30 comments on her video, they loved hers, why don't they love mine? 

It's suffocating. 

You might read this and think well, why on earth are you a creative? But the creativity and the work itself I love, it's everything that comes with it that I have an awkward relationship with. We're in an industry where you rely on creating relationships with people in positions of power, where criticism and rejection are expected frequently, where you're practically drowning in the uncertainty and it can be really hard to keep your head above water, today is one of those days. 

I'll come out of this funk, I always do but just for anyone else that ever feels this way, you're not alone.